Friday, March 31, 2006

Searching for Stars

I try to live without having regrets. Not so much along the lines of being an extreme athlete who lives on the edge and grabs each day by the throat to experience it more fully, but rather I try to convince myself that each decision I have made will produce healthy results. My choices may not always be revealed as correct, or right, or moral, or a multitude of other defining terms, but I attempt to not let the memory of the past and the possibility of what might have ensued had I made a different decision rule me.
I know that my life is filled with faults and that there are plenty of opportunities for others to remind me that I am consistently insufficient in certain measures, but be that as it may, aren't we all trying to make it through another day? I wish that I had the ability to take weekend trips whenever I wanted. That I had the mental fortitude to work harder at my writing and to engage myself more fully in a scope of literature and music. That I took the time each day to cook a decent dinner and enjoy it while listening to some Joni Mitchell or Tom Waits or Sade or any other great ambient musician. That I had the courage to tell people exactly how I felt about them, either in admiration or dissapointment.
I say these things, in part, due to my respect for people who appear to have much better grasps on their lives than I have on mine. The people of whom I model my wish list off. I'm not even sure how I qualify these people and, in some cases, why I strive to emulate them. I have a best friend who announced to me that he will be getting married in June of 2008. I have absolutely no desire to have a spouse by then, but I still respect him for the degree to which he appears to have control over his life.
This is getting further and further from any aesthetic topic that I might have been trying to make with my first few sentences, but I think it's too late now to erase this. I could make a half-hearted argument about how my attraction to the simplistic and definitive nature of math is an analogy for the resolution I'm searching for on my own, or how Humbert Humbert is the embodiment of dueling partitions of the same psyche; a complete lack of control faced with a model of himself with which he cannot reconcile. I could even go so far as to say that the beauty in the actions of people whom I admire is what drives me to yearn for a recreation of them in my own body and life. But the truth is that I don't understand what it is, precisely. What the answer is. And I'm hesitant to say things that I'm not sure of, so I will doubtlessly keep thinking on it until I have thoroughly flogged the dead horse.

2 Comments:

Blogger Dolen said...

Two themes seem to emerge here (correct me if I'm wrong). Your search for "truth" and your desire to have "control" over the unexpected tributaries of your life that might lead you off course. I too have these same struggles (if I am accurate in paraphrasing you). How might my search for truth be more efficient? How might I make wiser choices that will lead me towards my higher truth with more certainty?

9:18 PM  
Blogger Mia Saborita said...

Your writings are so far inspiring and interesting. I benefit from what you are writing. Great work

12:36 PM  

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